Kars 4 Kids, I Declare Holy War On You

You know the jingle. It sounds like if Johnny Cash never got a second chance, bottomed out and lived off dog food in an Arizona motel room for his remaining days. He ventured out of that hotel room one day, took a couple horse tranquilizers and stumbled upon a group of children. He held them hostage with a rusty pocket knife and made them sing along to a song he wrote about giving them cars. He then sold the jingle, presumably to buy more dog food.

I'm speaking, of course, about the Kars 4 Kids jingle. The jingle that never ends and never goes away.

When you think about it, the jingle explains virtually nothing about the charity. Are you telling me to donate my car to help children (probably)? Is this a company that manufactures and sells cars to/for children (probably not)?

I heard it today on the radio and, after 3 attempts to mute the radio and then un-mute, hoping it was over, I decided to Tweet that "the Kars 4 Kids jingle makes me want to never help needy children". (Yep, I just quoted myself)

They responded.



The link brings you to their website with a list of "Ten things more annoying than the Kars 4 Kids song". The list was probably at one point (1998) used to describe "Mondays" or "The DMV" in a hilarious work e-mail that your Aunt Karen forwarded to you.

So I decided to give reasons why those ten things are more preferable to listening to the Kars 4 Kids jingle. And those reasons are as followed:

1. Dial-up internet - While extremely slow and archaic, you can still look at porn on a 56k connection. Trust me, I know. 56k porn requires finesse. You don't just have to worry about the sounds of a guy with a barbed wire tattoo fisting an 18 year old girl with low to no self esteem, but the initial sound of the modem as well. And you're fucked if your Mom wakes up. So I resent that, Kars 4 Kids.

2. Root canals - They could perform a root canal on me with a medieval sword and it would still be preferable. In fact, that's a pretty bad ass idea. If only Dio was still alive...

3. Colonoscopies - I will say, Kars 4 Kids, that's a pretty risque joke for a company that sells cars to raise money for children. But still, no. Maybe I like the feeling of a jelly-covered tube going up my asshole, checking for asshole cancer. I don't want asshole cancer. So what's so annoying about getting checked for a life-threatening illness? Nothing, Kars 4 Kids. That's not funny.

4. Hearing the Kars 4 Kids ad, switching the station, and hearing it again - Yeah, because there's only two channels on the radio and you're only allowed one switch a day or the guards come to take you to the Kremlin. And probably sell your car to kids.

5. A test of the emergency broadcast system - No, because your fucking commercial lasts longer than the emergency broadcast test. In fact, they should use the Kars 4 Kids jingle as the test of the emergency broadcast system so then when the day comes when it's not on every 5 fucking minutes we'll know we're about to get nuked by North Korea.

6. Cleveland - A Cleveland joke? Really? That's about as weak as a Detroit joke. Did you write for Mad About You before your Kars 4 Kids gig?

7. Your wife's friend's husband - Jokes on you. My wife's friend's husband sells me cocaine. And we're secret lovers. Why do you think I like colonoscopies so much? (Besides checking for asshole cancer)

At this point, I've pretty much given up because their list is fucking stupid. Plus one of the remaining items is "fax machine noise" which is the same God damn noise dial-up internet makes.

They invited me to submit this article for the website but something tells me they won't like it.

K-A-R--fuck!
- Dave

Dear Internet, Leave Michelle McGee Alone

Look folks, normally I don't take to the internet to defend people but I think I've found a case that truly calls for my help. I'm a big supporter of Freedom Of Speech and the right that you have to express yourself, whether it be in public or on your computer. I respect that. But seriously guys, what you're doing to poor Michelle "Bombshell" McGee is just egregious. Egregious.

I know that as regular folks, we often scrutinize the lives of the rich and famous. Tiger Woods has even been on the receiving end of my hilarious, hilarious "deleted texts" campaign. But you guys seriously need to leave Michelle alone. Just because she had sex with a married man doesn't mean you should be attacking her like you are. I mean, come on. You know who else had an affair? Hugh Grant. And white people love him. Are you gonna honestly stand there and say shit about Hugh Grant?

You're probably saying right now, "But Dave, she had an affair with a married man! C'mon!"

That's fair. She did. But she did it to help her family, guys! Michelle even said that she continued the affair hoping that she could get money out of the situation in order to "make a better life for [her] family." I don't know about you, but that's about the most selfless act I've ever heard of. You don't see Bono or Brad Pitt having affairs to provide a stable future for their families. No, they're too busy contributing to all those charities. Shame on you, Internet, for attacking a poor, defenseless woman for wanting what every honest American wants: to have sex with an Oscar winner's husband and then sell the story to tabloids for money so that they can use that money to keep their families afloat. You people disgust me. As far as I'm concerned, Michelle McGee is the Mother Theresa of sexual affairs. No, fuck that. Mother Theresa is the Michelle McGee of doing stuff for people for Jesus.

She fuckin' loves her family. And America.

Maybe we should be looking at the other end of the affair. How about that? Jesse James married a porn star, gave custody of said porn star's kids to a woman who starred in Speed 2, had an affair with a third and fourth mistress and ultimately had a 36-month affair with a woman that has a tattoo on her fore- Woah, woah, wait. You thought you were gonna catch me there, didn't you? Fuck you, Internet.

And really? Cheap-shotting her with claims of Nazism? If posing in photos wearing a Nazi armband, being accused of saluting Hitler in court custody (see? she's a family woman) papers, having white power tattoos on her legs, telling people her white power tattoos stand for white power, having a swastika tattoo on her vagina and modeling for a company called Angry White Girl makes her a Nazi, I don't know what doesn't make a person a Nazi. Seriously, way to reach to the bottom of the barrel.


Seriously, grasping at straws.

And what's next? You're gonna tell me she tried to choke her ex-husband to death while she held her baby?

Fuck.

Telling Carlos The Truth

Carlos, honey, would you come in here? We need to talk to you about something. Carlos, you know that your stepfather and I love you very, very much and are so proud of you. I know it was difficult when we told you that Geoff was not your real father but it's just beautiful how close you two have gotten over the years. But we think that it's time that we told you what really happened to your father. I know that we told you that he was very ill and passed away but that sadly is not the truth. It hurt us, very deeply, to have to lie to you but we were afraid you couldn't handle the truth.

When you were just a baby, your father got hired to go overseas to help open a theme park. The park was on an island. His job was to transport the attractions, specifically raising gates in between two cages, from one area to another. I don't really know why it was necessary to have someone manually raise the gate while standing on top of it, but your father was proud of his new job.

Around the time the park was opening, your father was assigned to move one last crate before coming back home. Everything was going smoothly. Your father's supervisor, Mr. Muldoon, was even there to make sure everything went according to plan. But there was a horrible accident. They tried so very hard to save your father but it was too late.

Oh Geoff, this is so hard.

Carlos, I know nothing, not even a $20 million court settlement, can bring your father back. Nothing can change the fact that your father was killed by a velociraptor.

Dave'ing The Oscars

To fuel my self importance, here's a recap of my shit talking during this years' Oscars on Facebook. Obviously I didn't do the whole 4 1/2 hours, for my own good.

- Dave Losso is amazed how a movie that's 99.9% CGI can win Best Cinematography. And yet Roger Deakins sits there without a fucking nomination. Fuck you Academy. Fuck you.

- Grape Soda pin FTW! You go Giacchino!

- Dave Losso says eat shit Avatar. Cartoon cat creatures do not beat actual real looking aliens and/or space ships. All you did was made Hollywood an even bigger drooling mass that wants to make everything in 3D now. Rubbish.

- Dave Losso says Ted is trying to liveblog the Oscars. He doesn't wanna see dolphins get killed so he's gonna stay away from The Cove for now.

- Dave Losso never thought Fisher Stevens would get an Oscar. Wait, wait. Correction. I never thought Fisher Stevens would win an Oscar for a documentary about dolphin poaching.

- Somewhere Steve Guttenberg's on the phone with his agent trying to get involved with a dolphin poaching documentary.

- A dolphin is trying to text me back right now but he can't because he has flippers.

- So none of the things Kathy Bates' big ass just listed about Avatar have anything to do with warranting a Best Picture nomination.

- Somewhere Beau Bridges is pissed he didn't win an Oscar for Sidekicks.

- Hey Stanley Tucci, people don't forget you were in Jury Duty.

- "Did I really earn this?" My answer: The Net.

- Is Jesse James crying because his wife forgot to thank him? Or because he realized that his current wife has the same acting skills as his ex-wife (a porn star)?

- "This is Kathryn Bigelow's first award since Point Break....oh, wait, nevermind." I kid though. She deserved it. That's way better than any alimony check, right Cameron?

- Maybe instead of James Cameron spending ten years making 3D jungle cats he should have spent it locking down a hot ass wife like Bigelow.

- Kathryn Bigelow's really hot but I think she has a ballsac cause she just teabagged James Cameron.

- Is Steve Martin trying to steal her Oscar?

- So the Oscars have finally ended. I wish I could come up with something as witty as Steve Martin's ten millionth joke about Avatar, but that's the reason why I'm writing on Facebook and he's reading shit writing off cue cards. Oh well, sorry for 400 updates tonight folks!

- Final Score: 14-6

Twenty Things I Have Learned From Internet Porn

So it's been been forever since I've written anything for this but ever since my one article stint over at Geekscape ended, I've been wanting to write more on here. So here goes.

TWENTY THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM INTERNET PORN

1. There really are shemales that look like real women. I learned that the hard way.
2. Just when I thought I'd never see a video called "Sweet Nigerian Bitch", the internet proves me wrong again.
3. Any video that starts with a guy touching a girl's butthole will never end with anything classy or tasteful.
4. You can appear on the same porn site as a barely legal teen and a MILF. It usually involves putting glasses on you.
5. They've resorted to using fake dicks on some websites. Yes. They've outsourced the dicks.
6. There are guys willing to have sex with 80 year old women and show video proof of it.
7. You may think the scene you're watching is awesome. Just wait til that second dude shows up.
8. Guys will wear a condom throughout an entire scene and then take it off to ejaculate directly on a girl's vagina.
9. If you're having body image issues, just look up 'Russian amateur porn'.
10. Yeah, that bat's going in there and yeah, it's gonna fit.
11. It's possible to use your penis to make a girl cry.
12. See #2 but replace "Sweet Nigerian Bitch" with "Hungarian Pornstar Boat Anal".
13. Pregnant women have no shame.
14. Apparently you need embarassingly large tribal tattoos to please a woman correctly. That goes double for fauxhawks.
15. Creampies are not cool. Ever.
16. You can never unsee gaping assholes.
17. Just remember: That girl dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl was probably once a real Catholic schoolgirl. Which is probably why she's now dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl and having sex on the internet.
18. I've seen porn that's started at a Kia dealership. Yeah.
19. If stills from a scene include one of a girl looking at a penis like she's worried, nothing good can come from it.
20. Internet porn has been around for a long time now and I will still always find humor in it. And watch it.

R.I.P. Cliff Johnson's Beard (1978-2008)

On Sunday, January 13th, my uncle Cliff Johnson's beard tragically passed away at the age of 30.

I admired the beard for years, aspiring to reach that level of greatness. It was rugged. Not ZZ-Top-esque. It showed discipline, poise and pure American craftsmanship.

It was the type of beard that hid cracker crumbs, drink mustaches and various types of debris that we beard enthusiasts encounter on a daily basis. The beard never backed down, it never faltered.

It selflessly gave its life on Sunday to fulfill a dream by my uncle's daughter. While the move was controversial, some believe it was for the greater good.

So I ask you beards, everywhere, when you feel a new hair bursting from your pore, feeling its first breath of life, smile. The circle of life has taken another turn. One beard is gone from us, but from that, new life.

R.I.P. Cliff's Beard
Never forget 1-13-08