Kars 4 Kids, I Declare Holy War On You

You know the jingle. It sounds like if Johnny Cash never got a second chance, bottomed out and lived off dog food in an Arizona motel room for his remaining days. He ventured out of that hotel room one day, took a couple horse tranquilizers and stumbled upon a group of children. He held them hostage with a rusty pocket knife and made them sing along to a song he wrote about giving them cars. He then sold the jingle, presumably to buy more dog food.

I'm speaking, of course, about the Kars 4 Kids jingle. The jingle that never ends and never goes away.

When you think about it, the jingle explains virtually nothing about the charity. Are you telling me to donate my car to help children (probably)? Is this a company that manufactures and sells cars to/for children (probably not)?

I heard it today on the radio and, after 3 attempts to mute the radio and then un-mute, hoping it was over, I decided to Tweet that "the Kars 4 Kids jingle makes me want to never help needy children". (Yep, I just quoted myself)

They responded.



The link brings you to their website with a list of "Ten things more annoying than the Kars 4 Kids song". The list was probably at one point (1998) used to describe "Mondays" or "The DMV" in a hilarious work e-mail that your Aunt Karen forwarded to you.

So I decided to give reasons why those ten things are more preferable to listening to the Kars 4 Kids jingle. And those reasons are as followed:

1. Dial-up internet - While extremely slow and archaic, you can still look at porn on a 56k connection. Trust me, I know. 56k porn requires finesse. You don't just have to worry about the sounds of a guy with a barbed wire tattoo fisting an 18 year old girl with low to no self esteem, but the initial sound of the modem as well. And you're fucked if your Mom wakes up. So I resent that, Kars 4 Kids.

2. Root canals - They could perform a root canal on me with a medieval sword and it would still be preferable. In fact, that's a pretty bad ass idea. If only Dio was still alive...

3. Colonoscopies - I will say, Kars 4 Kids, that's a pretty risque joke for a company that sells cars to raise money for children. But still, no. Maybe I like the feeling of a jelly-covered tube going up my asshole, checking for asshole cancer. I don't want asshole cancer. So what's so annoying about getting checked for a life-threatening illness? Nothing, Kars 4 Kids. That's not funny.

4. Hearing the Kars 4 Kids ad, switching the station, and hearing it again - Yeah, because there's only two channels on the radio and you're only allowed one switch a day or the guards come to take you to the Kremlin. And probably sell your car to kids.

5. A test of the emergency broadcast system - No, because your fucking commercial lasts longer than the emergency broadcast test. In fact, they should use the Kars 4 Kids jingle as the test of the emergency broadcast system so then when the day comes when it's not on every 5 fucking minutes we'll know we're about to get nuked by North Korea.

6. Cleveland - A Cleveland joke? Really? That's about as weak as a Detroit joke. Did you write for Mad About You before your Kars 4 Kids gig?

7. Your wife's friend's husband - Jokes on you. My wife's friend's husband sells me cocaine. And we're secret lovers. Why do you think I like colonoscopies so much? (Besides checking for asshole cancer)

At this point, I've pretty much given up because their list is fucking stupid. Plus one of the remaining items is "fax machine noise" which is the same God damn noise dial-up internet makes.

They invited me to submit this article for the website but something tells me they won't like it.

K-A-R--fuck!
- Dave